Monday, August 31, 2009

The Inflatable Husband

Saturday was my birthday! I have left behind the*thirty somethings* and moved on to the big 40. We had a big "boot scootin' woot woot" birthday party for me and went out for a night of country dancing. It was very nice to be surrounded by good friends that I love dearly.

The highlight of the night was my present from Hanks. He gave me an Inflatable Husband! Well you know that got opened right up.... Meet Inflatable Husband:

As you can see the Inflatable Husband is not very big. I guess he makes up for that with humor. But I must admit that I have thought about cutting him out of the box and going with the paper doll version... he's got it goin' on so much more than the inflatable version!

I don't know about you but I have always had *floats* on my list of husband criteria....

The Inflatable Husband comes with his own manual. I am single... they must have anticipated that I would need a manual. Although I was greatly disappointed to see it was all about how I can care for him. I think it's about time that I had someone to take care of me for a change.

He can be put away when I am tired of him, but as soon as I want something from him, he needs blown!! Now you tell me... is this *any* different than every other man?? How is this benefiting me??!? Sheesh... you can tell this Inflatable Husband wasn't made by a woman, that's for sure!

And like any man, there are warnings:
  • Do not bring your inflatable into contact with sharp objects
  • Do not bring your inflatable into contact with fire
  • Do not bring your inflatable into contact with thermonuclear detonations
  • Do not attempt to wash your inflatable with (or on) acid
  • Do not attempt to use your inflatable as a murder weapon (unless you are very patient & your victim is immobile)
  • This is not *that* type of inflatable and therefore coitus is not recommended ~ We should keep this one in mind with more real life men, so many of them aren't *that* type of inflatable either
  • Do not bring your inflatable in contact with members of the psychiatric profession (especially if you've named him) ~ Meriam has already named him for me, I wonder if that counts - in case you were wondering she named him... husband!
I can already tell that we will have many events where Husband will be invited. Might even need to whore him out and share some of the inflatable love.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Friday Night Fiasco

In our adventures of getting out and being social, Jacque got invited to a housewarming party for a new potential client. So she rounded up Deb and I to go with her.

Now let me set the stage for the fiasco....

We arrived at this new house on a dead end road in an area which is still being developed. We didn't see a lot of cars and we were hesitant to go. We had plans to catch a comedy show later in the evening and decided we'd go for a bit. What could it hurt, we had a reason to leave after a while anyway!

Walking up to the front door we decided that this was a perfect murder house. End of the street. Not a lot of houses. Not too populated. Pretty much a forest behind the house. Three single women going to a stranger's house and.... a sign on the door that says, "Walk in!" *Gulp* But fear not, we were brave!

In the murder house we met Hanks and a few others. They were really cool and fun guys. Soon after we needed to leave for our comedy show. They wanted us to come back since more people were still coming, we promised we would.

Upon returning someone pointed out that the light was on in my car. I ran out to turn it off and when I came back in I set my keys on a little end table at the top of the stairway. We spent the next few hours having fun dancing, playing pool and getting to know new people.

*Let the fiasco begin*

Around 2ish we go to leave and my keys aren't on the table. They were gone... not on the table, not under the table, not any where around the table. Gone!

A search of the entire house commenced. Everyone kept asking me if I was surrrre that is where I set them... like I was all too drunk or something to know where I set them down at. I 100% know that I had set them there. A couple people went out to my car to peer inside to see if I locked them in, some called the ones who had left to see if they had picked them up and... nothing.

Here is where it gets fun... all 3 of our purses were.... locked in the car! Both Deb's and Jacque's cell phones were....locked in the car! Both of their keys to their houses/cars were.... locked in the car! Did I have a spare key? No, of course not! What kind of fiasco adventure would this be if I had a spare??!?!

By now it's after 3 am and Hanks, being the super nice guy that he is (mind you, this is the first night we had ever met him), calls his car service to have them come and unlock my car. Well after a long wait on the phone with them, they can't find a locksmith that come to us at that hour of the night. *Great*

Deb was pretty sure that she remembered the code to her garage. We could get in through there, sleep at her house and she had a spare set of keys to her car for in the morning. A dozen tries later, we were in!

I think my favorite moment was when we woke up and Deb said, "Let's go to breakfast!"

I was like, "Um, yeah.. no money!" and she just spouted off, "I'll PAY!"

Ummm remember that ALL of our purses are ...locked in my car??

We were pretty hungry and had some time to kill. Hanks had a soccer game that morning then he was going to work with his service again to get someone out to unlock my car. We decided to head over to my brother's diner and make him buy 3 cute, adventurous, broke, purseless girls some breakfast!

*Let's skip the part where he makes fun of us for being grown women who had the keys to the car stolen and for having our lives (purses) locked in the car*

My brother enlisted the services of his friend Dell who is a locksmith. He came to talk to us and said he could get the car unlocked and make one of those fancy chipped keys but I need to hurry and decide because he only had a couple of hours to get it done. Oh yeah... it's a Saturday so he gets overtime! Total cost: $450! *My jaw may have hit the table*

We hadn't heard from Hanks and dummy me... he had my number but I didn't have his! Jacque had his number on her phone but it was... locked in the car! (See a reoccurring theme here?) I needed to make a decision. After letting me sweat for a minute, Dell said he'd do it for $200. Ok, SOLD.

As we were driving out to Hanks, he finally called! He was telling me that his service couldn't find anyone willing to come out on site so instead they wanted to tow my car to a dealership but couldn't guarantee it would be worked on that same day.

*Phone dies* [insert bad words here]

Once we got there we talked his service into paying Dell to do the work since WE found a locksmith to come out on site all by our own selves. It took a while but he was finally able to get in, make one of those fancy keys and let us be on our way.

A huge thanks to Hanks for being so kind, so helpful and so much fun!

And to whomever has my keys.... I want them BACK dammit!

To do list for the week: Make a SPARE set of keys and stash some cash somewhere for emergency breakfasts!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

This one is for Deb! Good ol' Mister Ed!

This is a dating adventure that happened to my good friend Debby. It is too priceless not to share!

We're going to call this guy Mister Ed. Partly because his name is Ed and partly because he should be crowned the horse's ass! On their first date, he was heading the the dog park and asked her along. After spending the afternoon together he wanted to keep spending time with her. She told him she was busy that night (she was going to the movies with me) but invited him along.

He really did seem like a *normal* guy, not her type, but normal just the same. Boy were we wrong! After a couple of more days he started telling her that she was the one he wanted to marry, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and all that. Do you all realize there are some needy, clingy, pathetic guys out there??? Now don't get me wrong. I am all about being pursued, romance, having a guy fall head over heels for me and all that. I also know that it's smart to get to know someone before deciding to get married, and that it takes a little longer than a few days to figure that out!

After a few more days of that Deb needed to go out of town on business. Mister Ed insisted on taking her to the airport. I know all the girls are thinking, "Ahhh how sweet."...but no. That night she starts getting texts from him about how sorry he is that he that he can't meet at the hotel later that night, that he was really looking forward to doing this and that *insert things here with your own dirty mind* and a few other texts that left her thinking *What the HELL*. They hadn't kissed, they hadn't talked about any of this AND don't forget... she was out of town.

She texted him to actually ask "What the HELL"... and he comes back with "Oh sorry, that was my dad, he's a player, and he was texting some chick he is messing around with, he forgot his phone so he was using mine."

Let's pause here and have everyone that believes that please stand up. Ok since no one stood up I'll continue.

This guy needs to grow a pair! You were busted, you screwed up and can't even own up to it. First of all, how many players know the phone number to some slut they want to meet at a hotel? Second of all, once the number was being typed into "his son's phone", wouldn't you notice that oh whoops the NAME to someone in HIS phone came up so I must have typed it wrong... you wouldn't keep sending more and more texts to the same wrong number. Anyway, I could go on and on about how lame his excuse was but we all know he's a lyin' piece of you-know-what!